Grief after a pregnancy loss

Your grief is real

When a pregnancy doesn't continue, it is a real loss, whether it happened very early or later on, and whether or not anyone else knew you were pregnant. You may feel sadness, shock, numbness, anger, guilt, or even relief mixed with sorrow. There is no correct way to feel, and no timetable for grief.

Some people feel they "shouldn't" grieve because the pregnancy was early, or because others say "at least it was early" or "you can try again". You are allowed to grieve for this pregnancy and the future you imagined with it.

It was not your fault

Most early pregnancy losses happen because the pregnancy was not developing in a way that could continue, often because of chromosome differences that occur by chance. A pregnancy loss is sometimes called a "spontaneous abortion" in medical notes; this simply means a miscarriage.

Good to know. Miscarriage is not caused by everyday stress, working, normal exercise, having sex, or eating something "wrong". Nothing you did or didn't do is likely to have caused it.

In some families, women are blamed after a loss. This is unfair and not supported by medical facts.

Physical recovery

Your body needs time to recover too. What to expect varies with how far along the pregnancy was and how the loss was managed, so follow the advice your doctor gives you. In general:

• bleeding and cramps usually settle gradually over a week or two
• a pregnancy test may stay positive for a few weeks as hormone levels fall
• your period usually returns within a few weeks
• tiredness and low energy are common, so rest when you can

Your doctor may suggest a follow-up check or test to make sure recovery is complete.

Emotional recovery

Grief often comes in waves. It can return around the due date, on anniversaries, or when you hear of someone else's pregnancy. Things that may help:

• talking about the loss with people you trust, if and when you want to
• marking the loss in a way that feels right to you, such as a prayer, a ritual, writing a letter or planting something
• taking time off work if you need it
• stepping back from social media or events for a while

Partners grieve too

Partners, including male partners, can feel a deep loss but may feel they must stay strong or "look after" the other person. Their grief can be overlooked by family and friends. Couples often grieve differently and at different speeds, and that is normal. Try to make space for each other's feelings without comparing them.

Trying again, when you're ready

There is no rule about when you "should" try again. Medical advice on timing varies, and depends on your situation and how the loss was managed. Ask your doctor what they suggest for you.

Feeling ready emotionally matters as much as physical recovery. Some people want to try again soon; others need much longer. A pregnancy after a loss can bring a lot of anxiety, and extra support at that time is reasonable to ask for.

If you have had two or more pregnancy losses, it is reasonable to ask a doctor about further evaluation.

Getting support

• A counsellor, especially one experienced in pregnancy loss, can help you work through grief.
• Your doctor can talk through what happened and answer your questions.
• Tele-MANAS offers free, confidential mental-health support at any hour: call 14416 or 1-800-891-4416 (24x7).

When to see a doctor

After a pregnancy loss, call 112 or go to the nearest hospital straight away if you have:

• heavy bleeding, such as soaking a pad within an hour, or passing large clots
• fever or chills
• severe pain in the tummy or pelvis
• fainting or feeling very dizzy
• smelly discharge from the vagina

See your doctor if bleeding goes on longer than you were told to expect, or if your period hasn't returned after several weeks. Talk to your doctor or a counsellor if low mood, anxiety or sleep problems last more than a couple of weeks or affect daily life. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call 112 or go to the nearest hospital straight away.